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First day of Kindergarten for the boys, First day of 2nd grade for Sofia

I know that it’s been a very long time since I posted. I don’t have a very good reason for not posting, other than not feeling particularly inspired.

The summer flew by, but lots going on….

Money – The husband and I decided to file for bankruptcy. Not an easy decision, but the one that makes the most sense for us at this point. Obviously things are not great. Clearly. But they could be worse. We’re taking it one day at a time.

Marriage – Status quo. We get along most of the time, but things will never be the same after last year. At least for me.

Job for husband – Currently trying to find work, pretty much anything at this point. So discouraged here. Because we don’t want to pay child care, we’re trying to find something at night or swing shift. One day at a time.

Work – As many of you know, I came to my current place of employment after losing out to the BIG job I originally tried out for in fall of 2009

That BIG job recently opened up again. The person who held the position became very ill and over the course of about a year, it became clear she wasn’t able to come back. I was consistently encouraged by every person in management (my boss included) to apply again for that position. As the BIG BOSS had no Secretary for the better part of a year, he relied on me to help him with a variety of things. I was happy to do so as it gave me an opportunity to show him what I was capable of. Many people did not like him, but he was always very good to me. When he announced his impending retirement, I was disappointed. He had been a cheerleader for me and now, he would be gone. The decision was made that his replacement, THE NEW BIG BOSS, would select a secretary and make the final decision on this job I so desperately wanted.

So old BIG BOSS left, new BIG BOSS came and the process began. I went through the series of interviews and felt really good about everything. I had a letter of recommendation from my current boss (CBO) and the BIG BOSS. I made it to the final two, beating out someone who I considered my main competition. 

I didn’t have much time to revel in that fact as ultimately, I lost out to someone who is in a lower administrative classification than myself. New BIG BOSS chose to go in a different direction, I guess you could say, as my competitor was bilingual.  As I’d been working towards this job since 2010, to say it was a crushing disappointment doesn’t even begin to cover it. I get the bilingual thing, but it hadn’t been a requirement for the job. A Bachelor’s Degree had been, something I did have and my competitor did not.

I simmered through weeks of bitter and angry feelings toward my employer, feeling burned and defeated. It knocked me off my feet for a good 6 weeks and only recently have I begun to see clearly. I’m not perfect, but I’ve consistently performed my job well and risen through the ranks accordingly. This was my first taste of having the door slammed in my face due to politics and ya know what? Not so fun

I definitely feel differently about my job and workplace at this point. While my goal is to eventually find something better (made difficult due to generous total compensation here), at the moment I am focused on the kids. I’ve decided to embrace the fact that I don’t have a high pressure job, count my blessings and be happy that I have a job that is flexible, pays decently, provides wonderful medical coverage for my family and contributes generously to my pension. It’s hard to wrap my head around thinking about my pension, but I guess I’m at that age (20 years out) that I have to start thinking in those terms.

School – We made the very difficult decision to remove Sofia from private school so that all 3 children will attend school together. The boys were starting kindergarten and let’s be honest, we are in no position to be paying tuition. Sofia handled it better than I did. Her main concern? When can we go clothes shopping? They’re all settled in and we’re very happy with the decision. They boys love school and Sofia has a great teacher. I did decide to separate the twins, which I think is best for them but obviously harder on me. It’s a new world for me having to make sure all 3 kids have clothes to wear, 3 lunches to prepare, 3 sets of homework to oversee, etc. I am going to need a separate calendar to keep track of who’s class I am volunteering in and when. The school is moving towards a more minimal homework philosophy (emphasis on reading, reading, reading), so that works in my favor.

Weight – Not good. Not good at all. Not sure what to do about it as my plate is so full. No pun intended. I’m considering joining a gym near my house ($9 per month to go 4 days per week). Need to check it out. Need to get moving. My doctor put me on meds for high BP and I’m not sure they are working. Still having a lot of back pain due to degenerative disc and arthritis, exacerbated by weight, of course. I guess you could say I’m a hot mess.  

Sofia – Seems to be a little better, but still has an explosive temper, anxiety and several phobias. I discussed it with her primary pediatrician over the summer and he spoke to a child psychologist colleague who felt that between the family history (schizophrenia, general mental illness and anxiety disorders) and her behavior, there was more than enough there for an assessment. He gave me some names, but I’ve yet to look into it. I am hesitant to open the can of worms. For the most part, she is a happy, bright and engaged little girl. But she does display a lot of anxiety and an explosive temper. I’m sort of on the fence on what to do about it.

David – He’s a living, breathing cartoon character. Always smiling and trying to make people laugh. He’s like a 5 year old Jim Carrey with all his facial gestures and body movements. I can’t even begin to describe how animated he can be. I call him the “song and dance” man. He still can exhibit a little temper once in a while, but for the most part, is a sweet, extremely affectionate little boy.

William – A dream child. Innately good, he just wants to follow the rules and have things in order. For the most part, he doesn’t complain, picks up when he is supposed to, eats when he’s supposed to, follows directions. He makes things easier for me and thank god one of them does. Quiet and reserved and not overly touchy feely, he’s always thinking. It’s pretty evident he’s going to be a little heartthrob, with his enormous brown eyes, thick shock of hair and beautiful olive skin, but don’t let him hear you say that. If you even whisper that he is cute or handsome, he flips out. One thing William does not like is attention. Negative, positive, doesn’t matter, he doesn’t want it. I guess you could say he is humble. Steve says he will probably be a priest. He’s joking, sort of.

All the kids are now going to catechism. I know that’s not what it’s called anymore, but that is what I call it. They go every other Sunday after mass, so that means I have 3 hours to myself. Talk about a dream come true. It doesn’t get much better.

I think that’s about it for the last 6 months. I’ll probably try to upload some photos and for god sakes, try to post regularly – if there are any readers left!! If you are still out there, please post and let me know.

 

 

 

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So, it’s been a while since I updated this blog. Months. Since I started my blog in 2007, I never thought I’d go this long without an update. Truth be told, 2012 has not been a great year thus far. I’ve spent the past 4-5 months trying to keep my head above water, so not a lot of time or mental fortitude to write anything inspired. But in the end, this blog has been my creative outlet, so I am going to attempt to return to writing, with some regularity, starting today.

So what the *hell* have we been doing the past 5 months? Oh, lots. Let me break.it.down.

The marriage:
Nothing new there. I’m still bitter about last year’s near-indiscretion and not sure I’ll ever get over it. Also quite resentful about the financial situation and carrying the burden of responsibility for our family of five. It’s something I feel the weight of every minute, every second of every day…I can never forget that I have 3 little people depending on me to feed, clothe and love them, keep them safe. I’m not saying I’m doing anything spectacularI know tons of single moms do this and thrive – but I’m not technically a single mom and the resentment I feel for my husband is hard to get past at times. I’m trying. He’s trying. We all are.

Family:
I did finally come clean with my brother about how dire our financial situation is and while I expected him to judge (he has before), he didn’t. Inside he may have been, but he only offered support and love, which was much needed and welcomed. We had a chance to reconnect a bit and that meant the world to me.

My mental health:
It varies. Some days I’m fine, but other days, I am fighting back panic attacks and tears most of the day. Thank god for Klonopin, that’s all I can say.

When it rains, it pours:
A few weeks back, we had both cars give us problems. The van needed front end work, so not drivable on the freeway. The other car wouldn’t start. Got a new battery and still wouldn’t start. It was probably the lowest point of this year for us, by far. I barely had money to buy groceries and here I have 2 cars non-functional at the same time. A co worker drove me to work all week and by the grace of god, a mechanic up the street diagnosed it as an electrical problem and fixed it, free of charge. We still need front end work on the van, but it can be driven around town (Steve doesn’t need to go far now that the kids are out of school) but at least one car works. Last week, our refrigerator stopped keeping food cold. So we are currently keeping all of our food in the freezer. This happened last year and cost $250 to fix. I’m going to try a 48 hour defrost, but haven’t had a chance. Last week, Sofia swallowed a polished quartz stone about the size of a nickel. It has yet to pass through. So, after work, I am going to take her to after care as I won’t be able to rest until I do.

Work:
Where to start? I have tried for several different positions lately and for a variety of reasons involving politics and a cuthroat job market, have not gotten any of them. I’ve come close, but no cigar. There’s one left, so we’ll see. Being involved in such competitive job searches has shaken my confidence a bit. Then again, maybe I’m not meant to leave here. Maybe I’m meant to stay in this position as it offers me flexibility. Maybe the universe knows I can’t handle a high pressure job with 3 small children. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Who knows. I feel like something is keeping me here and pretty soon, will stop fighting it and get on my husband’s ass to do something.

Finances:
Not great, obviously. I am still working on the side for the German, but there have been a few dry spells in there that were scary for me. I have gotten behind on a few things, but somehow always manage to make the payment in the end. People (who know the real deal) comment on how the hell I am doing it on my salary and I have to tell you, I have no idea. I have to go out there and hustle and let me tell you, this is not in my nature – not even close. I would rather stay home and watch Real Housewives repeats. But I am a mama bear and if hustling is what I need to do to put food on the table, this is what I will do. (and by hustle, I mean, actively seek out work, actively seek out new positions, sell myself, etc.)

Sofia:
She is as challenging as ever. In fact, while the boys become less challenging, she becomes more challenging. The past few months have consisted of daily battles, tantrums, oppositional behavior, exhausting everyone in her wake. All that said, since school let out, she is bored, but much more manageable. I think she’s getting more sleep and that’s a huge difference. She does go to bed early during the school year, but I think the getting up early and pressures of school and all that goes with it takes a lot out of her. Who knows, maybe my little princes will become beasts when they start school as well. When she is in her “normal” state of mind, she is the most articulate, engaging, bright and loving little girl you’d ever want to meet. It’s the times when she’s not in her regular state of mind – head spinning around a la Linda Blair, tantruming, screaming, kicking and acting out – that is so concerning. I’ve talked to her pedi, who talked to a child psych and because of my own family history, her anxiety and vomiting phobia (think I’ve mentioned this before), they feel she is symptomatic enough for an evaluation. So, just trying to process that and see how to move forward. One day at a time.

Will:
He is my little prince. Selfless, adorable, loving, smart, creative. Steve likes to joke that he is going to be a priest and I can’t say that I disagree. Whenever I take him out, if he buys something for himself, he always thinks of his brother and sister. Would they think of him in the same way? Probably not. He is the first to clean up, listen to what I say, make his bed, and fall in line. He’s a kind, selfless child and I am so thankful that one of them is like this.

Dave:
David has come a long way in the past year. He burst out of his shell and loves to make people laugh. We joke that he’s a “song and dance” man as he loves to dance around to Michael Jackson and do air guitar. He’s quite petite for his age, so people always laugh when they see him do this stuff. He’s also quite a terror on his bike. He’s been riding w/no training wheels since he was 4, so when people see this little guy who looks 3, tearing it up on his bike, they stare in amazement. It’s awesome! He’s a bundle of energy, but he makes me laugh and smile on a daily basis. He’s always telling me I look pretty, even when I have just woken up (which I can assure you, is not my prettiest moment). He’s truly a doll.

I think that brings us up to speed with how I’ve spent the past 4-5 months. Things are hard, but could be worse. The kids are happy, despite it all. They do ask for things that we can’t afford, and that is hard, but they do seem to “get it” after a while. We had a very generous and kind friend treat us to a Disneyland trip in February, all expenses paid – stayed at the Disneyland hotel. That didn’t suck.

There are no summer camps in our summer, but I’m lucky to have them spending time at home, playing in the yard, their dad at their disposal, just like I did as a kid. I think summer camp is great and god knows, I wish I could send them to some, but I never had camp growing up (and neither did any of my friends) and we managed to get by just fine. It’s going to be ok. My husband may lose his mind, but it’s going to be okay.

The good news, the godmother is taking Sofia and me away this weekend to a resort. I’m a little nervous about leaving the boys (guilt), but am hoping this is a time for relaxation and to put aside my troubles and enjoy a cocktail or two. Or five. We shall see. Sofia has been quite good this week, so I’m cautiously optimistic.

Hopefully, this will be the first of many blog posts to come!

A pictorial history of what we’ve been up to the last 5 months!!

My favorite pic of the kids this year

Sofia teaching Geography

My silly boys at their 5 year old doc appt – complete with boy move hand in pants

Hearing test

Doing what they do

Tee ball

Impromptu trip to Disney in February (treated by friends)

Got SOfia’s haircut for a birthday party

Just another day at the park

Sofia bridging to Brownies

The kids trying to convince me a new kitten is just what we needed in our lives

Sofia being Sofia

Will after buying items for his brother and sister, with his own quarters, after buying something for himself

Sofia flying a kite with her 8th grade buddy on their 1st grade/8th grade end of the year picnic

Will running for base

Playing with the cousins

Sofia’s bowling birthday party

Sofia and her godmother at the park

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I had several people ask me about that last post and what my husband was doing during the day.

I did start thinking about it and was like, WTF? How did *I* get to be the one to bring home the bacon and fry it up in the f’ing pan?

I have myself to blame for a lot of it. I am a control freak. I don’t trust that he will do things the way I would, so I just take over. It’s an issue.

That said, yes, he could have got his ass out of bed when my daughter hit her finger.

I won’t argue that he can do more (grocery shopping, folding and putting away laundry *properly and timely*), but as far as what he does do on a normal day – he herds the kittens during the day, does laundry and light cleaning (very light), does drop off and pick up, breakfast, lunch and often dinner and basically makes sure everyone is in one piece when I get home. This is no small feat, especially the boys with scooter accidents and all sorts of shenanigans.

Also, the speech therapist was impressed that Will was *so* kindergarten ready, but wasn’t attending preschool. She asked who had been working with him and I had to give it up to my husband, ’cause it certainly hasn’t been me. I didn’t feel the need to mention that Sprout TV can also take a lot of credit for his mad kindergarten readiness.

My husband is far from perfect, something I have detailed ad nauseum over the past 5 years (5 years!!!!!) in this blog. However, I don’t know too many men who would be able to (almost) singlehandedly care for newborn, one month old twins (and an almost 2 yr old) at the drop of a hat, take care of everything on minimal sleep, with his wife seriously ill in the hospital and still remain positive. (Sidenote – My boss has a 3 week old newborn and he and his wife are completely overwhelmed. They have a live in grandma. I do have to resist the urge to say ‘You have no idea what overwhelmed means’ *insert evil laugh*)

The husband and I have a lot of heavy shit going on right now, and he is almost always Mr. Glass Half Full. There is something to be said for that, especially since I’m Miss Glass Half Empty most of the time. Oh man, if I was with someone more like myself, I’d be a walking basket case most of the time.

So as hard as my life is most of the time, I am thankful that I don’t have to do laundry. Or clean the toilet. Or mop the floor. Or do the dishes. Or prepare too many meals at night. Gives me more times to spend with the kids. And watching Bravo TV, of course.

And regarding that top photo – only my husband would be stupid brave enough to bring 3 little kids to a beach. Alone.

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I haven’t written in such a long time.

This has been a long month, financially, for us. I get paid once a month and with 5 weeks in this month…let’s just say it’s been quite painful.

I’ve managed to keep food on the table and gas in the cars, but I’ve had to skirt around for other things. It’s been anxiety inducing, but it is what it is.

There have been some good things happening and some not so great things, but nothing I can’t handle.

The not good stuff first:

Well, obviously the financial stress.

There has been some physical stuff as well.

I have had near constant sciatica pain for the last 6 weeks or so. To make a loooong story short, I did finally ask my doctor to find out what was going on. It was discovered that I have degenerative disc disease and arthritis in my back. Awesome!! Just what someone with 3 small kids wants to hear!!

My doctor referred to it as “wear and tear arthritis.” I prefer to call it “Sofia, Will & David Arthritis.” Seriously, the physical stress on my body of having 3 kids in 2 years, with 13 lbs of baby in there with the twins, plus gaining a bunch of weight on top of that? And then bending and twisting and lifting the kids improperly from being out of shape? Yeah….My core is shot, therefore my back is fried.

So.

The goal now is to GET HEALTHY. My doctor has me set up for physical therapy and I’m going to go (I’ve been before and the free massage was worth it) but know deep down that the only thing that is going to help this is for me to a) lose weight and b) get physically strong.

As of Sunday, I have not had coffee. Anyone who knows me or even reads this blog with any regularity, knows how ridiculously monumental this is for me. The only time in my life I have skipped coffee has been during pregnancy. Let’s be honest, I’m a 2 latte a day girl (when I had money), drink it at night, anytime, anywhere, everywhere.

Sunday, I had a raging headache. Monday, a little headache. Tuesday, I started to feel a lot better and ever day, I’ve felt a little better. Now, I feel pretty damn good. I’ve been drinking tea and look forward to it.

Might I also mention I started back on Zoloft as I felt that I need to be at my most stable to deal with a lot of the stuff that’s going on in the moment.

But back to feeling good. It has been a loooooooooong time since I have felt light in mood, etc. I’m kind of liking it!! I even went for a walk the other day.

My sciatica still hurts like hell, but advil and my heating pad are my friend. And this will improve in time, as I lose weight.

Now, the good news!!

My doctor has been bugging me forever to get blood work done. I’m convinced that she is convinced that I have many health issues related to “morbid obesity.” I mean, my back is jacked up, my blood pressure is high, it would make sense.

So, I finally broke down and did the full metabolic bloodwork with fasting.

And guess what? It all came back normal. Glucose normal. Cholesterol normal. All of it.

Go figure.

Check that one off the list. Mammogram is next for after the new year.

The other incredibly wonderful thing that happened…

I have a group of friends I met online in 2004. I have written about them before, we were a buddy group for women who were in there 30’s TTC their first child. We have seen each other through marriage, divorce, multiple pregnancies, miscarriages, infertility, illnesses, you name it. While we may not communicate every day, we’re still pretty active through Facebook and some of them read this blog (hi girls!).

Well, they took it upon themselves to get together and purchase a VISA gift card for me and my family. I almost fainted when I opened the Priority Mail envelope because

a) I was not expecting it

b) was relieved it wasn’t a notice someone was suing me and

c) The amount was so generous and more than enough money to make sure my family has a fabulous Christmas.

There were tears. At that moment, I felt like Jimmy Stewart at the end of “It’s A Wonderful Life.” I honestly felt like the richest mom in town.

It was such an emotional moment for me, I can’t even begin to put it into words. I feel so blessed that someone, anyone, would go to such lengths for me and my family. Beyond touched. Just beyond.

So there you go. I’m starting to feel good, looking forward to Christmas and not dreading it. My kids are even starting to drive me crazy slightly less. Well, most of the time. But that is another post!!

Hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season and thanks for hanging in here with the missing blogger.

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Wow, I’ve really just dropped off the blogging radar. Haven’t meant to, just a lot going on and exhausted most of the time. Then my mouse stopped working and I just stopped going online when I wasn’t at work.

Kids – Sofia is doing great at her new school, but I’m at times overwhelmed with the homework, commitments, volunteering, remembering to do xyz at abc times. I have Google calendar synced to my phone, but I still live in constant fear of forgetting something. And this is with only one child in school!! ARGH! While she is doing great and soaking it all in, the schedule transition has been rough, rough, rough. There have been a few really bad episodes with Sofia that have taken me to the limit of where I personally can go as a parent. She has almost violent outbursts when in this mode and I half expect her head to spin around like Linda Blair. I am not exaggerating, she becomes a different person. Fortunately, she does seem to be settling in and the episodes are less frequent now.

We haven’t formally started home schooling the boys, but I’ve started working with the boys more on their letters and numbers, doing little exercises, etc. I did get a few little desks at my district’s surplus sale last week, so that was a major score!

I also got a used bike for David off Craigslist over the weekend. Another major score!

I continue to have crappy back pain that is becoming quite chronic. I know that 60% of it is weight related, but honestly I’m usually working so much and trying to remember all of the things I need to remember, I don’t see where working out is going to fit in my lifestyle. Something has to give there, sooner than later. I keep saying that….

The marriage. Well, what can I say. No improvement there. I mean, we take a few steps forward and then fifteen backwards. Lots of financial stresses and exhaustion on my part adding to the equation. This does not make for a very patient and loving spouse or parent.

I keep hearing about the “Lost Generation” of this Great Recession (really bordering a depression, in my opinion) and feel like screaming at the tv – Right here! Preaching to the choir! The only consolation in all of this is that I’ve learned how to get by with much less, but I don’t do well with not being able to get my highlights done, travel, take my kids out to dinner. Forget paycheck to paycheck, we’re living day by day at our house.

Despite all of this bleckiness, I’m not having too much anxiety. It comes and goes, but for the most part, I’m doing ok, all things considered.

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Just an update…

I spent a significant amount of time last week managing the situation with Sofia, D. and the away BFF. Much babysitting of adult emotions. It was a total pain in the ass, for sure, but definitely took the focus off Steve and I, which was actually a good thing.

Cliff notes version. D. has never had children. She came into my life consistently when I was about 12 years old and always treated me like a little adult. I think her expectations of behavior from my 6 year old are a little unrealistic, to say the least.

Sofia was in a day camp with 7 and 8 year olds, for 7 hours a day. At night, the AWAY BFF was spending the night. By day 3, Sofia started having significant meltdowns, the likes of which D. has never seen nor had the first clue how to deal with. It really rattled her to the core. She sounded quite shaken one evening when I called, as Sofia was in the middle of an episode.

I suggested that AWAY BFF needed to go home for a night. The girls were overstimulated, exhausted, probably a little sick of each other, despite their protestations. D. was not 100% convinced that I was right about my analysis, but I assured her that what Sofia needed most of all was sleep. When she asked what she should do, I wasn’t much help. When Sofia gets in that mode, it just spirals, until she gets some restorative sleep. End of story. She took 2 naps until she was almost 2 years old and would probably still take a nap daily if I let her. She’s always been a sleeper and does not do well with lack of sleep.

So, I went back and forth with D. and all of this craziness. Then, D. started telling me how it hurt her feelings when Sofia did not listen to her. Excuse me? I was like, TIME OUT. You can be angry, frustrated, lose your patience, etc. but you must remember that she is 6 years old and can’t take personally what she is subjecting you to. If anything, it means she is comfortable with you if she’s letting her guard down. (Of course, that argument fell on deaf ears, just as it always did when her preschool teachers laid it on me). She said she was going to talk to Sofia about being more sensitive.

“Good luck with that,” was my flippant response. She is 6, and while she has some understanding about right/wrong, hurting people’s feelings, etc. she lives in a world of self centeredness, as most small kids do. Granted, she is absolutely a stubborn, bossy handful at times and I won’t deny this. But please don’t put your insecurities or emotions on her. Or judge my parenting style. Oh hell no.

I was pretty clear about how I felt about the situation and it created tension between D. and I. She seems to think that Sofia needs more discipline, which may be true (although the tougher you get with her, the more she fights it – a true Taurus), but I just can’t stomach hearing this advice from someone who has never had children or ever cared for small children.

At the end of the day. Sofia and her were able to get through the madness, but it got a little hairy there. I just kept offering to come get her as there was little I could do from here. It made a relaxing week more stressful.

That said, evenings with just the boys were delightful, I’m not going to lie. I’d come home from work and they would be playing in the yard, filthy but happy. They’d come in and out to see me, but for the most part, just kept playing in the dirt until dinner time. Then, bath and then bedtime, stories, minimal drama. It was wonderful.

Saturday, Sofia came home and we started the deprogramming. I knew she’d be a mess, emotionally and physically and she was. She battled with me repeatedly yesterday, over anything and everything. Her eyes were droopy and she had that half crazed look that only exhaustion can bring. It took every ounce of my own energy to get that girl to sleep at 6:30, but I did it and she was out….

I’m hoping she’s not too much of a bear today, but it’s my sister in law’s problem. (insert evil laugh)

I felt a lot of disappointment with this whole scenario because it reminded me, despite how much I love D. and how much she loves my family, how painfully alone I really am in this – logistically. I can’t depend on D. for much help or support. She has her limits and clearly, they are not plentiful.

***

Regarding Steve and my mental health…

I mentioned that Steve has no remorse…I guess I should clarify. He doesn’t have the amount of remorse or regret that I think he should, considering our situation. Considering any situation. And the answer is yes, he did what he did because things have deteriorated so much with us, due to massive pressures.

I would agree that it’s concerning, to say the least, but I don’t always agree with a lot of things that come out of his thought process. Not a parallel by any stretch, but he is a conservative and believes truly in the libertarian platform. I will never understand or agree with his way of thinking or twisting the truth. It’s just another example of that.

Why stick with him? Primarily, it’s my own upbringing, what kind of relationships I was exposed to and what kinds of intimacy (or lack thereof) I was taught is acceptable. Secondarily, because of the profoundly challenging task of raising these kids. I am selfish and do not want to do it alone. I’m not saying I couldn’t, just that I don’t want to. I do love him and want things to be good again, but I have no idea if that will ever happen.

That’s it from here.

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Just checking in…

I don’t have much to say at the moment. We’re kind of in a holding pattern at the moment. There’s a lot going on. I’m still very bitter. He’s still not remorseful and not inclined to seek therapy.

In many ways, I feel that despite the fact that “nothing happened,” a line was crossed and things will never, ever be the same. For those who are wondering, I can say this with 99% accuracy as a) my husband cannot tell a lie (in fact, I could probably teach him a thing or two about deceit and manipulation and b) I communicated directly with Miss X. and she was stunned to think that this had blown up the way it as she claims she was only interested in him musically, not romantically.

Do I think she’s 100% honest here? Not exactly. She said she was flattered by his interest, so that implies she knew she was playing with fire. She just came out of a broken engagement, so chances are she was vulnerable and lonely. I’m sure he seemed nice enough. But I know that nothing phyisical happened as it was verified to me by her email to him that stated she was “so relieved that nothing physical happened” and that she was not his “answer” and basically, told him to have a nice life. But even though nothing physical happened, something emotional (on his part) happened and in a lot of ways, I think it’s worse.

I’m still feeling incredibly betrayed. I know I’ve said this before, but I never anticipated anything like this happening. Ever. My experience with indiscretions is limited.

I had one boyfriend almost cheat on me (he called and broke up with me before he went off and hooked up with this other girl) and when I was 23, I became “the other woman” in a very volatile relationship.

Rewind to 1991…

Paul was sexy and oozed charm. He wasn’t very tall, but he made up for it in personality. He was West Indian, which basically meant he looked kind of like Prince, but spoke with a Liverpool brogue. He always said I looked like an “Irish Lass.” (which I am). We met at a bar the night after I’d sliced my finger open cutting salami. There I was, buying a drink with my massive bandage (nothing could stop me from going out in those days) and he went in for the kill. He said he saw me from across the bar and just had to find out what had happened to my hand. Yeah, good one, right? “Come and Talk to Me” by Jodeci was playing and kind of became our song.

Of course, I had no idea that the girlfriend he’d just broken up with was still very much in the picture. I recall my friends at the time being very concerned for my welfare as I was hanging out in really dangerous parts of Oakland to be with him. I still can’t believe some of the stuff I did back then. Of course, I had no idea that he was still with the girlfriend. He was a good liar and I was too naïve to look for the signs.

Turns out that when I visited him, it was when they fought and she left “their” apartment. Yes, he was a complete scoundrel and pathological liar. Her name was also Melissa and people thought I was her from behind (this was when my backside was of some interest and attraction). The kicker was when he took me home to meet his family in Los Angeles. About 3 days into the visit, I realized they thought I was the “other” Melissa who they’d talked to the phone several times and formed somewhat of a relationship. For the rest of the trip, I uncomfortably went along with the ruse as explaining who I was would have been too awkward. We ended things in the airport on the way home.

Yeah.

So, while I think that is a funny story now, I remember how awful it was at the time. She called me for months, absolutely certain I knew where he was. She didn’t care that he cheated, she only wanted to be with him. I remember the desperation in her voice. I’m sure if they stayed together, he cheated again and again and again.

I guess my point is, Steve is not that guy. Aside from the fact that he’s not 23, hot and charming, he’s a serial monogamist. This is beyond out of character for him. I think that not having a strong purpose in life (i.e. job) staying home with the kids all day and feeling isolated and depressed had got to him. Music is his only outlet, he found a woman who seems semi interested AND loved music and he just loses his fucking mind.

I’m still hoping he’ll come back to his senses and I see glimpses of it, so I’m hopeful. But I also see glimpses of a new side of him that is new and scary to me. One that isn’t fully vested anymore. I feel an overwhelming sadness in many ways, like things will just never, ever be the same, no matter what direction we go in.

Switching gears again…

We officially decided Sofia will attend the private parochial school. We paid the tuition and bought some uniforms and I’m busy trying to assemble her school supplies. She’s gone for a week at zoo camp with her Away BFF. Away BFF started crying when she realized Sofia and her weren’t in the same class (they’re a year apart) so Away BFF mom (she has a personal assistant, a few nannies, tutors, etc. – get the picture?) strong armed the zoo into letting Sofia into her daughter’s class. Alrighty then! So, Sofia is in the 2nd and 3rd grade class and seeming to enjoy it quite a bit. Considering she is under the impression that she’s 15, I can understand this.

It’s just me and the boys this week and the quiet is quite nice. School starts in a few weeks and it’s going to be a whole new world. I’m just taking it one day at a time right now.

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