So, another reason why I’ve been blog inabsentia is that last week I had a mammogram. Yearly. Screening. Should be no big whoop, but for me, it’s always a nerve wracking affair. I’ve had some boobie issues over the years. At 29, felt a palpable large lump that everyone agreed was something, but no one could agree what. I had an ultrasound and mammogram and there was nothing there. I was such a mess at the appointment that I crashed into a parking garage pole, leaving a huge dent in my ’88 Nissan Sentra.
After all that angst, it was determined that I have cyclical lumpy breasts. I went back to the OB after my period and the lump had dissipated. At 36, when I was trying to get pregnant with Sofia, in between miscarriages, I tried progesterone cream one cycle. I ended up with such intense, localized breast pain that sent me in a panic to my OB, who in turn referred me to a specialist. So, another ultrasound and thankfully, nothing there. The pain did go away after I stopped taking the progesterone, thank goodness.
So, I finally had my baseline mammogram last year and that was nerve wracking enough. The problem with my local breast health center is that for screening mammography, you have to wait up to 2 weeks for results. So, I end up postponing the visit because I know that the 2 week wait (thought I was done with those!) will be filled with anxiety and ridiculous paranoid, catastrophic thinking.
Given my absence of any family history of breast cancer and my never having taken birth control pills regularly, I stand about a .9% chance of having it at age (almost) 42, but yet I worry. I worry and worry and worry and worry. I take online breast cancer risk assessments. I read about risk factors for breast cancer. I take my cell phone with me everywhere. I try to estimate how long it takes for the images to be read (24 hours by the website’s claim) and how long it would take them to notify my doctor and how long it would be for her to notify me should there be a problem. Then, I wonder if my doctor is out of town, maybe people will sit on it until she returns and I’ll just never be contacted. Welcome to the inner workings of a paranoid hypochondriac. I hate, hate, hate, hate this.
So, today, on the verge of a panic attack (even after taking a clonazepam to calm the nerves) I decided I was going to call on the off chance that the results were in.
It took about 2 minutes and………………………whew………..negative.
There is nothing rational about my profound fear of cancer or dying or something terrible happening to me. I think sometimes I feel so lucky to have met such a wonderful, patient (if not always as ambitious) man and have 3 such healthy, beautiful children that I’m always waiting for something to come along and take it all away. It’s something I carry with me and deal with, but it’s there. And no amount of therapy or drug is going to fix it. Maybe because anything wonderful in my life that I’ve experienced has always eventually disappeared in one form another (from being taken away from my mother at such a young age to every best friend I’ve ever had move out of state) that makes me so unwilling to trust that someone or something good will remain.
I’m working on it, but it’s hard. For now, I can at least enjoy my birthday (Saturday) without worrying about this stupid mammogram. ‘Cause I am that self involved. I was worried that I’d just worry all weekend and it would ruin my birthday weekend. That’s how I roll. 🙂 Steve and I got a sitter (can’t afford, don’t much care) and are going to an early movie (3 p.m.) and then an early dinner (gift card for fancy shmancy place – 2 years old – hope it’s still good) and home probably by 8. That’s also how we roll.
And I’m considering lying next year and saying that I have breast pain so that I can go in and get a diagnostic mammogram with a radiologist on site. Yes, that is also how I roll!
You have company on the scarey cancer front. I was too sick last week for my mammogram; so I have to reschedule for next week.My maternal grandmother had ongoing breast problems all her life. She had dozens of lumpectomies in the '80's. (The doctors urged her to just have the mastectomy, she told them where to put it!) My mom's younger sister had breast cancer as well. She was a 13 year survivor when she finally succumbed. So, yes, mammograms are scarey, very scarey.I try to deal with the anxiety by scheduling mine during a time I can be outdoors, playing in the dirt. Gardening helps relive the stress for me.Good for you, just getting the damn thing done is an achievement!Susanhttp://susan-chicdaisy.blogspot.com/
Happy Birthday-hope you enjoy every minute