Normal and Blessed, And I Don’t Use That World Lightly

I haven’t written in such a long time.

This has been a long month, financially, for us. I get paid once a month and with 5 weeks in this month…let’s just say it’s been quite painful.

I’ve managed to keep food on the table and gas in the cars, but I’ve had to skirt around for other things. It’s been anxiety inducing, but it is what it is.

There have been some good things happening and some not so great things, but nothing I can’t handle.

The not good stuff first:

Well, obviously the financial stress.

There has been some physical stuff as well.

I have had near constant sciatica pain for the last 6 weeks or so. To make a loooong story short, I did finally ask my doctor to find out what was going on. It was discovered that I have degenerative disc disease and arthritis in my back. Awesome!! Just what someone with 3 small kids wants to hear!!

My doctor referred to it as “wear and tear arthritis.” I prefer to call it “Sofia, Will & David Arthritis.” Seriously, the physical stress on my body of having 3 kids in 2 years, with 13 lbs of baby in there with the twins, plus gaining a bunch of weight on top of that? And then bending and twisting and lifting the kids improperly from being out of shape? Yeah….My core is shot, therefore my back is fried.

So.

The goal now is to GET HEALTHY. My doctor has me set up for physical therapy and I’m going to go (I’ve been before and the free massage was worth it) but know deep down that the only thing that is going to help this is for me to a) lose weight and b) get physically strong.

As of Sunday, I have not had coffee. Anyone who knows me or even reads this blog with any regularity, knows how ridiculously monumental this is for me. The only time in my life I have skipped coffee has been during pregnancy. Let’s be honest, I’m a 2 latte a day girl (when I had money), drink it at night, anytime, anywhere, everywhere.

Sunday, I had a raging headache. Monday, a little headache. Tuesday, I started to feel a lot better and ever day, I’ve felt a little better. Now, I feel pretty damn good. I’ve been drinking tea and look forward to it.

Might I also mention I started back on Zoloft as I felt that I need to be at my most stable to deal with a lot of the stuff that’s going on in the moment.

But back to feeling good. It has been a loooooooooong time since I have felt light in mood, etc. I’m kind of liking it!! I even went for a walk the other day.

My sciatica still hurts like hell, but advil and my heating pad are my friend. And this will improve in time, as I lose weight.

Now, the good news!!

My doctor has been bugging me forever to get blood work done. I’m convinced that she is convinced that I have many health issues related to “morbid obesity.” I mean, my back is jacked up, my blood pressure is high, it would make sense.

So, I finally broke down and did the full metabolic bloodwork with fasting.

And guess what? It all came back normal. Glucose normal. Cholesterol normal. All of it.

Go figure.

Check that one off the list. Mammogram is next for after the new year.

The other incredibly wonderful thing that happened…

I have a group of friends I met online in 2004. I have written about them before, we were a buddy group for women who were in there 30’s TTC their first child. We have seen each other through marriage, divorce, multiple pregnancies, miscarriages, infertility, illnesses, you name it. While we may not communicate every day, we’re still pretty active through Facebook and some of them read this blog (hi girls!).

Well, they took it upon themselves to get together and purchase a VISA gift card for me and my family. I almost fainted when I opened the Priority Mail envelope because

a) I was not expecting it

b) was relieved it wasn’t a notice someone was suing me and

c) The amount was so generous and more than enough money to make sure my family has a fabulous Christmas.

There were tears. At that moment, I felt like Jimmy Stewart at the end of “It’s A Wonderful Life.” I honestly felt like the richest mom in town.

It was such an emotional moment for me, I can’t even begin to put it into words. I feel so blessed that someone, anyone, would go to such lengths for me and my family. Beyond touched. Just beyond.

So there you go. I’m starting to feel good, looking forward to Christmas and not dreading it. My kids are even starting to drive me crazy slightly less. Well, most of the time. But that is another post!!

Hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season and thanks for hanging in here with the missing blogger.

An Update on the Boys

I would like to thank those of you who have reached out after that last post. Honestly, I am not trying to freak anyone out. I appreciate all your kind words and support, it means a lot. Y’all know who you are.

Because I was rather negative in that post, this post is going to be a positive one.

The boys are thriving. They are attending catechism and a weekly kindergarten readiness playgroup. They think this is “real” school and take great pride in getting their backpacks ready, doing their “homework,” etc. I just know they are going to love, love, love kindergarten.

Will is still writing in mirror image, but we’re keeping an eye on it. They are both learning their letters and also letter combinations at an exciting pace.

They’ve started roughhousing, which I don’t love, but accept as part of being a mom to boys. Other things we accept as a mom to boys? Talk of penises, the consistently faint smell of urine in their room, sticky hands and faces and going through socks at a breakneck speed.

They are at a truly wonderful age. That fine line between big boys and babies. They are starting to look more and more like big boys, but their voices still carry that baby lispy talk. They don’t rebuff my kisses and hugs. They still think I’m the coolest person on the planet. The other day, at dawn, Will saw the full moon out the window and started asking me questions about the moon, its origin, distance, etc.

It doesn’t get much better than that.

I just realized I never posted any Halloween photos. I mean, of the actual day of Halloween. I have been remiss!

Here’s some cute shots of my boys. God, I adore them. Click on the image to see larger…

Calling Tween Years, I Would Like My 6 Year Old Back

Sofia thinks she is a cast member of Shake it Up.  Haven’t seen this gem? It’s a show on the Disney channel all about the misdaventures and hijinks 2 eighth grade girls who are cast members of a dance show, Shake it Up Chicago. It’s like the Disney version of Laverne and Shirley, I guess you could say. There is dating, boys, fashion and ridiculous clothes. Sofia loves it, natch.

While it’s relatively innocent, the themes are too mature for her, so I repeatedly remove it from the DVR. Somehow, it always makes it back on there.

The result? She now thinks *she* is a 13 year old Disney channel star. For reals.

This photo was taken at the mall this week. We were at a fitting for the upcoming school big deal fundraiser fashion show. She’ll be walking with about 10 other 1st and 2nd grade girls. Their segment? Interpretation of a “modern day princess.”

Most of the girls version of this involved a sparkly, sequinny holiday dress.

Sofia’s version? Below.

For the show, the boots and hat will be gone, replaced by black tights and sparkly black shoes, some kid appropriate accessories, jewelry from Clare’s, hat, etc.

It is parochial school, after all and last time I checked, Sofia won’t be 14 until 2019.

On Living Hand to Mouth, Isolation & The Great Recession

…A place I never thought I’d be.

I’ve always felt like an outsider, this is nothing new. I have put on a good façade many times, but truth be told, I have never felt like I fit in, anywhere.

Lately, our home situation (3 wild kittens and living hand to mouth) have prevented us from having much of a social life. Going out with them is mostly overwhelming. We’re excluded from many family social events. I know that the majority of that is because of the unique chaos our little tribe brings to the mix. Most people can’t deal with it, don’t know how to deal with it and don’t want to deal with it. I get it. It stings, but I get it.

The result? I feel more of an outsider than ever before, retreating into solitude and depression. I’m definitely aware of it, so that is good, but it is there. The fact that several immediate family members have succumbed to depression and reclusiveness in middle and old age is a fact not lost on me. I’m trying to keep it in check.

I watch all of the financial system protests with mixed feelings. I am all about going after the big banks as – IMO – they p;ayed an integral part in the Great Recession. I certainly lived within and benefitted from that world for 12 years, when things were good. I am aware of how much of a bubble we were all living in. Shame on all of us for not taking the term “bubble” as seriously as we should have.

While I support the core of the OWS movement wholeheartedly, I feel lucky to have a job (two jobs) and am generally too busy working at them (and herding kittens) to participate in protests. It’s unfortunate that this sort of thing brings out the fringe, which the media of course focus on, dilluting the message.

But back to my own reality.

I’ve come a long way, but it really changes a person, to live hand to mouth. There is a domino effect as I retreat into myself as self preservation mechanism.

I don’t talk in depth with my chidren’s godmother as there are too many uncomfortable, prying questions about why S. doesn’t have a job and other intimate details of my life.

I don’t talk in depth to my sister in law much because I’ve cut way back on her taking care of my boys (twice a month, just to give Steve a break) due to money and that also makes things weird with her husband (my brother). It gets tiresome fielding questions and judgements about S. not working. When you haven’t found work in 2 years, you tend to stop looking. Right now, he’s home taking care of the kids. Let it go.

I don’t talk in depth to my other sister in law because they are living a very different life than we are and she doesn’t seem terribly interested in our lives. She is a overall a good person, but her husband (S’s brother) is kind of a douche.

I don’t socialize with friends much because I can’t ever justify using “extra” money to spend on frivolous things like movies and dinners out. There are always gas and groceries to buy. Plus I feel like so many of my friends think of me as living on Venus, quite frankly.

What once was a large part of my life, entertaining, is non-existent. Kind of hard to entertain without disposable income. Yes, it’s possible, I suppose, but it would require effort that I don’t particularly feel like expending.

I feel like an outsider in my own life, if that makes any sense. Mostly, I’m just plain old feeling sorry for myself. I guess that’s ok.

it’s disappointing that there has been more kindness and support from friends and acquaintances than my own “family,” but it is what it is.

I should know better than to have expectations in that department. The problem is, I want more for my kids. I have always wanted to give them what I didn’t have growing up and more and more, this is looking to not be the case.

I am always looking for the life lessons that these challenges present. I think I have a handle on some of them, but not all. I’m tired of living like this. I just wish there was a light at the end of the tunnel, something to hope for. Not to sound melodramatic, but just needing to vent.

And Julie, don’t worry about me, I’m fine. Honestly. Just frustrated.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, that’s where you’ll find me

Growing up, I was semi-obsessed with the Wizard of Oz. I was horribly afraid of the Wicked Witch of the West, but fascinated by her. The movie itself, the mythology, has actually played a large part in the course of my life.

In 5th grade, the school put on a production of of the Wizard of Oz. I took a tape recorder and taped the televised movie. I then went back and practiced every song, every line. To this day, I can recite that movie, line by line, verbatim.

I did not get the part of Dorothy. I did not even get the part of the Cowardly Lion. I was a munchkin, which meant I was in the chorus.

So what does a girl who grew up semi obsessed with the Wizard of Oz do when she has children of her own?

Dress her daughter as Dorothy, every chance she gets.

It’s Halloween time!!

So, Halloween is in full swing.

I found the kids’ costumes at the local thrift shop this year. I hadn’t been planning on doing that, but I ran across the costumes, so decided to go for it.

Sofia will be Dorothy. She was Dorothy when she was 2, but does not remember. She made the most perfect Dorothy ever!! I did have to buy sparkly red shoes for her, but other than that, everything from the costume to the basket to the “Toto” were *ahem* vintage.

Will is going to be Wolverine. He doesn’t know who Wolverine is, but he loves the costume.

David is going to be a policeman super hero. He also loves his costume, so it was a score!!

Each costume was $4 (it was 50% off day at the thrift store) and with the shoes and accessories, all totaled it was about $30 for all 3 kids. Not bad!!

Tomorrow, we’re going to the local downtown where we live and trick or treating. The businesses open up and pass out candy to the kids.

Saturday, we’re going to another local downtown area where they are having a fun festival with bouncy houses, face painting, pumpkin decorating and a DJ. Also totally free. We LIKE free.

Monday, there is her school parade and party. Surprisingly, her school is allowing them to have candy for their party. Then again, they’re having it right before they leave for the day…I’m going to bring the boys to the school parade wearing their costumes.

We may go to another little mall area that night for trick or treating at some stores and hit up some of the cuter local neighborhoods.

We don’t live in a great trick or treating area, so hopefully the kids will feel like they had a good Halloween. I’m really trying hard to find things that are free and fun.

One good thing, recently Steve found a $100 refund check from a storage place we used to use…from 2008. I called and after a lot of back and forth, they sent me a new check!! Kind of sad that I was that excited to receive an unexpected $100, but this is the way our lives are at the moment.

Update on Life: Some Good, Some Not So Good

So, it’s been a while.

Lots happening, some good, some not so good.

Finances- Not good. Had our hot water heater go out and went without hot water for about 5 days. Thanks to the kindness of a good friend, we now have a new hot water heater. The old one was 18 years old, so I’d say we got our money’s worth.

In the midst of the hot water heater debacle, I had my car broken into and my purse stolen. They took everything in my purse, including $200 I had been planning to buy groceries with. I came pretty close to having a panic attack when I found my car broken into, I’m not going to lie. I hate that I left the kids see my fear, my distress, but it was in the moment and I it was not a good one. Again, fortunately, through the kindness of friends, we made it through the week.

It was a challenging week, to say the least.

That is our lives these days, living day to day – forget paycheck to paycheck. Will we have enough money for groceries and gas this week? This is our reality. Somehow, it always seems to come together, but when major shit blows up, I begin to come undone.

I continue to work for the German for 5-8 hours per week, which basically pays for most of my gas or groceries or anything extra, if there is a need. Of course, there are the weeks she does not need me, does not call me. Those weeks are very difficult.

And don’t get me started about the holidays. It’s going to be a lean, lean Christmas this year. I got the American Girl catalog in the mail and started having palpitations.

School – Good. Sofia is thriving at the new school. She has lots of new friends and is excelling academically. I couldn’t be any happier there. I was able to attend a field trip recently and am getting to know the other families. The school and church community has exceeded my expectations tenfold. Sofia is in girl scouts, learning how to be a responsible citizen and making friends.

Sofia has latched on single white female style to her “buddy” – an 8th grade girl who is assigned my daughter as sort of an ambassador. Sofia constantly talks about her buddy, what she said, did, ate, if she is sick, whether she was at school that day, etc. I recently found out that the buddy is on the student council, in charge or marketing and PR. I now get Sofia’s obsession. She’s been given the hook up to probably one of the most popular girls in 8th grade and it’s like she died and went to heaven. I figure this girl is a good role model, so I encourage the obsession.

Healthy – Not good. Due to my weight, I feel like an old woman most of the time. So weary, overstressed and exhausted. I have no one to blame but myself. High stress and constant exhaustion are making it hard to feel motivated to do much about it, but I do have to wonder what kind of toll this weight and stress is taking on my internal organs.

The Boys – They are now attending a free playgroup every week for 2 hours. It’s focus is kindergarten readiness and Steve had to be there, but it’s free. They attended today for the first time and loved it, natch. They’re also going to attend catechism on Sundays for 1.5 hours, so I think that will be beneficial to them as well.

That’s it from here. I need to write more regularly. I just don’t feel particularly insightful at the moment. Maybe someday I’ll get back there.