Writer’s Workshop – A Memory I Wish I Could Erase

I am taking part in Mamkat’s Writer’s Workshop.

Describe an experience that you wish you could shake from your memory.

It was June 2007. My twins were almost 4 months old. We were visiting with my husband’s brother in Sacramento. It was our first trip anywhere with the twins and I was a bit anxious. The boys only slept in their papasan chairs, so we brought them along. I was only about 6 weeks post pneumonia hospitalization, so was just starting to feel strong again. It was about one month after David’s hospitalization with a mysterious fever and I was starting to think that the heavy fog that had enveloped us since the twins’ birth was starting to lift. I was feeling relaxed, but a little on edge.

It was Sunday evening. The day had been fun. With all the cousins together, there were 5 kids under 4 years old. It was chaotic, but comforting seeing all the children together, playing and forming bonds.

My brother in law (Battalion Chief) had a fireman buddy of his visiting, a real salt of the earth guy – as most of the firemen I’ve come to know have been. They barbecued and we had a great feast. Afterwards, we sat around their outdoor hearth and drank wine. The twins had fallen asleep in their papasan chairs in the living room. It seemed like the change of scenery & fresh, country air had tired them out.

Things get blurry at this point. I know my husband went in to get the twins from the living room and move them into the guest house. I saw him walking by in the darkness, carrying the papasan chair with William inside it, not strapped in. (I feel my stomach lurch even now, today, 2.5 years later, when I visualize this moment).

The last thing I remember was my sister in law and someone else commenting on how much they loved Daughtry and my expressing disdain for him. Then, I heard my husband.

“Oh god, Oh god. I dropped him. Oh god.”

After that, I went into shock. I literally went numb and felt like I was going to vomit. I ran over to my husband and was honestly afraid of what I was going to find. William was still swaddled, but had fallen on his head, the concrete.

Concrete.

I grabbed him and ran into the light. He was crying hysterically and looked like he had a goose egg, but seemed ok.

At this point, I had to hand him to my brother in law. I am forever thankful that he was there and accustomed to handling emergencies on a day to day basis. I ran to the bathroom and tried to throw up. He took over at that point.

I came back. I could not even look at my husband. Could not speak to my husband.

Even though he seemed ok, my brother in law thought it would be best if we took him to the ER. He and his fireman buddy came with Steve and I to the local emergency room. It was packed. We were triaged and taken fairly quickly.

The doctor examined him and decided that he seemed fine. After consulting with another doctor, he came back and said they needed to do a CT scan. For this, William needed to be sedated. I remember sitting in the emergency room, holding him as he drifted off. It turned out he did have a skull fracture. It was a small one, but it was there. They needed to admit him overnight for observation, but this hospital did not have a pediatric ICU, so were transported by ambulance to a hospital downtown. This would be my 3rd ambulance ride in 4 months.

We spent the night in a small, crowded hospital room. In the morning, he was seen by a pediatric neurosurgeon and given the ok to be discharged. We were to follow up with our pediatrician and a local pediatric neurosurgeon in San Francisco.

About a month later, we did follow up with the top pediatric neurosurgeon in San Francisco, just as we’d been advised. He examined William and saw no reason for concern. We breathed a sigh of relief.

And then a few more weeks passed and William started vomiting. He wasn’t sick, but was projectile vomiting. I took him to urgent care and they ran some blood work, but everything seemed normal. I took him to his 6 month old well visit and mentioned the vomiting to the pediatrician, but he practically dismissed my concerns.

Then, he felt his soft spot. I could tell immediately that something was wrong as he spent a lot of time feeling it. Turns out it was tense. They immediately did an ultrasound and found that there was blood in the area between his brain and skull. An old subdural hematoma.

He was immediately admitted to the hospital and we spent the next 5 days there. We met with at least 15 doctors, pediatric neurosurgeons & neurologists. The neurosurgeon who originally saw William was out of town and the hospital was not comfortable discharging William until he examined him.

We waited and waited.

It was incredibly scary and overwhelming. Fortunately, throughout all of this, William appeared to be completely fine. The hematoma was old, not an active bleed, so he was not in any imminent danger. Still, there was always the possibility that he was not going to be ok. Or that they’d have to intervene via surgery.

There is much more to this story, but William did end up being fine and 2.5 yrs later has suffered no apparent repurcussions from the head injury.

To this day, I am borderline obsessive when it comes to preventing my kids from falling or bumping their heads. This is a full time job with 2 active toddler boys. I’m sure there have been many mothers at the playground who think I’m an overprotective nutcase. I would probably think the same thing if I hadn’t gone through this experience.

I wish I could forget that moment when my husband dropped him, but I don’t think a person ever forgets something as traumatic as that. It is seared into my memory forever. What could have happened. The unthinkable, horrific scenarios. The good news is that it did turn out ok and for that, I am thankful.

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